Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
