i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
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