you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
