I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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