he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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