Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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