Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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