that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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