Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
