i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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