I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
