I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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