Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
