We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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