Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
