sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
3pm strippers are depressing
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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