Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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