Umm I'm too high to move.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
