turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
