my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
