found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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