Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
