Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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