im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I just gargled with NyQuil
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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