Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
