made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Who died my cat blue again?
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