I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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