omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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