It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Randomize
