I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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