the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
