I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
