I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
