I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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