A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
