I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
