I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
