Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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