We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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