Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
