Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
