I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
