i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
