First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
