shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
