That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
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