i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
