i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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