i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
