God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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